SOAP

I did it, I know it, and it's my fault: I said something along the lines of I actually enjoyed a lab and felt that it was fair and comprehensive.

I was young and naive two weeks ago when I said it, and didn't realize that saying this would invoke the "Wrath of God" onto my first SOAP note. Well...the wrath of a god that is apparently blind, deaf, and dumb -- or one that was too lazy to read the thing and just failed me by default. Yes, the lab default grade is fail -- just like the real motherfucking world! Any A's, B's, or C's are mere statistical anomalies.

But let's look at where I lost all my points on my way to a shat-tastical 17/35.

The SOAP rubric: I failed to document the severity/onset of menopause symptoms
My SOAP Note: "CC is hot flashes which have been going on for 8 months, occurring 3-4 nights per week"

Rubric: No documentation of osteoporosis risk factors
SOAP: "PATIENT HAS A FAMILY HISTORY OF OSTEOPOROSIS...low vitamin D intake...history of osteopenia...HTN...menopausal...taking oral steroids"

Rubric: No documentation of family history of hip fracture, MI
SOAP: "This patient has a family history of osteoporosis, osteoporotic fractures, and I'll be damned if she doesn't also have a history of MI" (I'm paraphrasing)

Rubric: Doesn't include allergies and intolerances
SOAP: "Patient is allergic to..."

Rubric: Doesn't include a drug/dose/route that is appropriate
SOAP: "Our recommendation for HRT is Prempro (0.3/0.125mg)" (You tell me)


Now look what you've done
I'd go on, but you get the point -- the grading faeries have been hitting the sauce again and quite frankly I don't appreciate it. It's almost as if they called up the infamous and maleficient Room B Grader to come make a cameo.

This should be the first tenet of teaching professional school: if the median grade is below 50%, you fucked up. You either messed all over teaching it to us or grading it -- but you definitely messed all over something. Now despite my appetite for yellow crayons and the fact that sometimes my socks don't match I do consider myself to be at least somewhat intelligent. I mean, at least 50% on a basic assignment smart -- which is a bar so low we should all trip over it.

But nay! I'm left to believe once again that I should write my home address and parent's phone number on the back of my name badge in case I wander into traffic and an adult needs to give me proper direction. I'm still struggling over how height and weight are objective values while whoever graded me wrote that BMI is a subjective value and therefore doesn't go under 'objective'. They do know how we get BMI, right? Because if they don't I feel the need to inform them of where we get it, where babies come from, and why we don't eat lemon snowcones.

Awesome: