Hyperbullshit

There are two things that I've learned from my lengthy (paid) internship this summer. The first of which is I've become a pro at dealing with insurance issues -- basically I've become a professional shit magnet...it's really too bad I can't get a certificate made certifying my accomplishments as a shit magnet, but I'll live. The other thing I've learned is that no matter how much faith I have in my patients, and no matter how much I actually want to help them (surprise, surprise), they are capable of a special kind of bullshitting that supercedes all other known and categorized methods of bullshitting.

For example: yesterday an unpleasant/challenging task presented itself and thusly the nearest pharmacist turned their head, raised an eyebrow, and called out "Oh intern?" It's a familiar call reserved for tasks such as answering questions about suppositories and fungal infections of the nutsack (true stories on both accounts). Anyway: recently I was called with the universal signal for "I have a job for you that may suck" to explain to a deaf patient why we had a PA rejection on his Aricept. Honestly, it turned out pretty awesome. I opened a blank Word Document, slapped my monitor around 180 degrees and typed out everything that needed to be said in a few brief moments. No stormy clouds by this guy's name today; give that chunky bastard a sunshine smiley face.

Fast forward thirty minutes when the patient's daughter calls me and gives me a sob story about how she's afraid her dad's going to wander off, and how he could "get lost in his car" (direct quote). So why exactly is he still driving down to pick up his own meds?


I smell bullshit.
Even today I had an issue where a technician filled a prescription (a copy I took from Rite-Aid) expressly written for the generic (some intelligent broad shouldered intern even wrote the NDC of what it was filled for on the face of the copy, how'd that happen?) with the tradename drug.

Go go gadget shit magnet.

So I get a call today and have to explain to an apparently rabid lady why somebody else filled her script for Urea 50% Cream with the brandname urea cream -- reason being that all three of our suppliers (what would normally be overkill) can't get the generic. I explained to her the intricacies of why I can't order from Rite-Aid's wholesaler, why the tech did what they did, why it's not my goddamn fault, what we could do about it, etc, etc, and I got some of these gems:

"I buy enough scripts at your pharmacy to pay your salary" (Keep in mind this person's negotiating over a $10 difference in their copay)

"I get all my prescriptions at your pharmacy and always have" (Shortly followed by "Your pharmacy doesn't care about it's patients")

"I only got it filled first at Rite-Aid because it's next to where I work" (Five minutes later transferring it back to Rite-Aid wasn't acceptable because that's way out of her way)

"I'm a pathological liar who is simultaneously full of money but needs those these ten dollars desperately"

Okay, maybe I made the last one up...but the others are the flat truth. I got to spend twenty minutes taming a firebreathing patient while being the only person in the pharmacy counting prescriptions while white coats milled about and socialized. If you're curious: I refrained from explaining that urea is grandma's secret ingredient in piss, and instead offered to get her podiatrist to switch to the ointment (something I am entirely qualified to do but legally unable to do), which is uber fucking cheap. This is why I have such a problem with being a pharmacist for the rest of my life: 95% of community pharmacy is insurance issues and being a shit magnet, the other 5% is something requiring a degree of some sort.

Good thing this guy's apparently becoming a pro at both.

Awesome: