Pharmtards Anonymous: A Glorious Day in the Life of

There's an undeniable trend afoot here. My facebook page has suddenly become a Rorschach test where everyone comes in and applies statements to themselves and then proceeds to get all butthurt about it. Exhibit A was me making an off-the-cuff comment about folks being miserable assholes and then suddenly everyone I had contact with that evening texted/messaged me semi-simultaneously. Exhibit B was me commenting on how many people in my senior class were incarcerated and/or knocked up (hopefully not the "and," though it's doubtlessly occurred). For some strangeass reason, even people that weren't in my senior class thought I was criticizing them for...procreating? Yeah, that's right: who the fuck are you to sustain our species? Needless to say, some people thought I was being a

While that's normally just par for the course, and I usually respond a picture captioned "HATERS GONNA HATE" with a panda riding a plastic horse or some other silliness, this time I started to think. My pondering was not limited to the fact that some people got butthurt over my remark -- that shit's just pedestrian to me at this point -- but how they got butthurt. I was told that apparently not only was I criticizing people not even in my senior class for procreating, I was glorifying the lifestyle of a pharmacy student in my own self-centered way. Furthermore, I was saying my life was the only way to happiness (come on, have you even read half the shit I write?) and that all others should be jealous of me. And I'm only smart in a textbook sense, they pity me, etc etc etc. Goddamn. Either I apparently packed several chapters of content into a facebook status only totaling less than 30 words, or someone's reading comprehension is a little iffy because the slang term "knocked up," when applied how I applied it, is meant to mean "unwanted pregnancies" -- unless you actually think I'm...anti-reproduction?

"I'm not even sure how that's possible"
With all of that aside, there was a fair amount of unseen gnashing of teeth and writing of butthurtness about my perceived glorification my apparently pitiful existence. 'Haters gonna hate' would be a vast understatement. Given the immense lack of understanding of the true glory of my life, I thought it would be a good idea to let everyone in on the joy:

The time is 6:20 AM: I wake up surrounded by gorgeous women both stuffed and inflatable (okay not really) and gingerly make my way among the empty liquor bottles, trying to make it to the nearest bathroom in my spacious two room condo. After washing the assorted M&M's from my massive grade 5 panniculus I gather my materials and start the trek to the pharmacy palace -- stopping only to throw quarters at the homeless guy who's picking through the apartment dumpsters every morning, and to get breakfast at the gas station on the way there. Now you might question me eating at a gas station given that this entry is all about my glorious life, but I assure you that this is a five star gas station where cold sandwiches are available by reservation only.

This is where my day takes a divergence. For example, on a typical Monday morning I usually find myself interpreting the words of someone from a different hemisphere, while Thursday mornings I'm entertained by someone who appears as though... well.